Monday, January 2, 2012

my ambition is not my reality

This was written last night in my note book after my eyes didn’t want to cooperate with me when I told them to close. Oh yes, haywire grammar is everywhere.

I still vividly remembered, when I was 7 years old, we were asked by our class teacher, Puan Rossidah what were our ambition. Everybody told their answer and when it came to my turn, I confidently answered that I wanted to be a teacher. At that time, I was greatly affected by my mother. Kids at my age during that time would not know terms like a linguists, pharmacists or engineer or any jargon that suits the 1999’s era unless their parents were one of them. J What was on our mind at that time was either being a doctor (the most popular one!), policeman or a teacher. These were the jobs that commonly enlisted in the 001 card. Yes, the blue card where the last part of the card you were asked to list down 3 jobs that you’ll want to be in the future. Mine were teacher, policeman (I was so greatly influenced by the Gerak Khas drama series at that time. Heh!) and lawyer. And as far as I remembered, I never put doctor as my ambition since I guessed I was not that interested in saving other people’s life. Ahaha.

Growing up in the early 2000, you must be remembered when we the girls had this crazy on biodata book where we would save up our money and buy the thick log book – the exercise book size, and the colourful fluid gel pen and exchanged with each other to write down our personal biodata. Of course, in the ambition part, I would write down those 3 jobs without miss.

In my middle school, I put lawyer as my first choice as I didn’t have any interest more on becoming a teacher. At this stage, when I told my mother that I would love to become a lawyer, she started to show her disagreement with the job but not that strong. Ehehhe. I began to join debate both English and Malay to polish my skills and establish myself.

And then, the ambition was once again changed to become an orthodontist when I was in MRSM. Of course, people wouldn’t expect you as a science stream student to become a linguist. I lived within my new ambition for 2 years. I ate, slept, prayed, and played of becoming an orthodontist. I studied as hard as I can to go for my future job. I even put this dream on my class table by listing how many A’s should I get and further my study at the renowned RCSI Dublin. I worked that hard and live like a nerd to go for my dream.

But after I finished my SPM, doing nothing, I started to think and ask myself if this is what I want? I am seriously don’t like routine basis thing. I easily get bored of doing same thing over and over again. Everyday examining other’s teeth, which is so not me. If I continue with my orthodontist dream, I know I can push myself to the limits to make it a reality. But at the end of the day, is that a real satisfaction that I will get after 6 years of struggling?

After getting my SPM result, I applied the scholarship and instead of dentistry, I go for social science. Yes, everybody did question me. Even my teachers got frustrated with my decision. In this case, I feel very lucky to have my parents that never insisted me to go for their dream but my dream and do what I like. My father really wanted to see me to become a dentist and he kept ‘pujuk-ing’ me to apply for that course. But my mother opposed it. Haha. She didn’t want me to get through the hard and messy life again like she used to during her undergraduate days as a science student. Same things happened for my UPU, but it’s a little bit different. I put life science courses as my top choices and to be saved, I put the English course as my 4th choice. As I said to my mum, “If buat dentistry dalam negara, I am okay but not studying that course at overseas.” Knowing how tough it would be and being me yang super over manja with my mother, I was afraid that I am not that strong to do it without having my family by my side. Mengada-ngada kan.

Even for the other scholarship, I applied for business or economics or social science but never for the science course. But I didn’t manage to get any scholarship.

For JPA scholarship result, the result was known a day before I entered CFS. And I was not even prepared mentally and physically to enter there and do ENGLISH. When I knew that I failed to nail the JPA scholarship, I cried as hard as I can and I was so frustrated to bit. Of course, I felt very sad. Most of my classmates had secured themselves with the dream of playing snow and knowing that at that time, my ex-bf was in the same position of getting TNB scholarship. Lagila I frustrated gila-gila kan. Only Allah knows how down I was.

But my mother kept telling me that maybe by doing English, ALLAH will show you the way. So, I stuck at Nilai, half-heartedly studying English. With the people pessimism and skeptics view on learning English. I stressed up myself. As the result, I blew up the first semester. In addition with the unfinished frustration, anger and the broke up, I unofficially did a suicide with my terrible sucks pointer. For other people, it seemed just a normal result. But not for me. I thank Allah for blessing me with my parents who didn’t complain much as they understood my situation. I slowly woke up and realized that this is what Allah has planned for me.

Bit by bit, accepting the fact that Insya-ALLAH one day I will become a linguist. Never once crossed in my mind that I’ll be taking language as my degree and for that Alhamdulillah. No more lawyer or orthodontist but a linguist. Sometimes, when we dream too high, Allah will give us a reality check to make us realize where we should stand and as a sign to recheck ourselves also improve to be a better person. My ambition is not my reality.

This is how my study table looked alike during the exam week. Messy all around.

The penguat semangat. :)


sweetbanana said...


Edy Nuar said...

le part *my ex-bf was in the same position of getting TNB scholarship



@rokiah: rindu awak la. :)

@edy: ahaha. we called it as a space filler for a story. :P

m.u.f.i.d.a.h said...

haha..still with ur colour pencils and magic pen.mmg xle study kalo xwat mind map kan??


those two are my bestfriends. ;)
yup. tak masuk otak kalau baca tulisan statik and monotonous and ayat panjang2 tak berhenti-henti.